Sorry I have been so scarce. I tend to hit dry spells here and there and hole up inside myself. When things get overwhelming for me, I find myself wanting to get my thoughts out there, and that's pretty much the basis of all my writings. As a direct result, you tend to get a lot of crazy repetitive emotional blogs, sometimes with a lot of cursing and me getting distracted.
I'm working on it.
It's been a long summer. Lots of things going on, lots of heartache, lots of stress, lots of moments where I just go "what the actual fuck?" and then move on. It hasn't been all bad though; we have smiled and enjoyed the time off from school and carpool and schedules.
We are coming up on yet another school year. It always makes me feel excited and anxious, for obvious reasons, as each of my kids moves up in life to the next grade level. It's just one more year further away from me , and one more year closer to independence.
I hear this is a good thing, but, I'm not buying it. Caroline turned 3 this past June and I just about came unglued at the idea that in 2 short years she would be leaving me and headed off to kindergarten. If I wasn't so exhausted from taking care of 4 other kids and the never ending newborn that is diabetes, I would go adopt a gaggle of babies so I'd never be alone ever again. Ever.
Speaking of turning 3, you would not believe the level of sass that I deal with between Caroline and pre-pubescent Hannah now. Caroline has always been bossy, but now she is the quintessential threenager. She legit talks to all of us, not just me, but ALL OF US, as if we are complete and utter idiots. Just ask Hannah; she was engaged in an argument for 10 minutes in the car about who was the oldest. Caroline still won't back down.
But, seriously, why do they have to grow up?
Hannah is moving into 7th grade this year, and subsequently her first year of Jr. High...ugh...I seriously hated every single year in Jr. High simply for the bushiness of my hair and awkward way I dressed. I didn't have many friends, but those that I did have I was very close to, and continued to be close to all throughout high school. I have lots of good memories of high school...
I am feeling like I need to come to terms with the obvious lack of control I will inevitably have at some point over my kids' lives and choices. I worry non stop if I've taught my kids enough about being a good person, to make good choices, or at the very least accept the consequences (gracefully) for their actions if they make bad choices.
Life is all about learning how to make decisions based off of what we feel is right or wrong. Every person has a moral compass that is personal to themselves, and nobody else can tell them if that is good or bad.......unless you are going around murdering kittens and people. That's obviously bad. Very bad.
I feel like I was raised in an environment where there wasn't much wiggle room where this was concerned. Drinking coffee was bad. Drinking tea was bad. Dating before 16 was bad. Not going to every.single.church function was bad...or at the very least not an option. I like to say that I give my kids the option to say no to certain things, and church is definitely one of them. Believing in God is their choice to make. They can believe in God, or they can not; I can't force them to believe what I do. I simply teach them as best I can what I personally feel is truth, and let them take it from there.
Life is not a one size fits all. I need to learn how to let go and allow my kids to explore and learn. They will make hard choices and sometimes those choices will lead to negative consequences, but, that's how we ultimately learn in the end. Hannah is moving into these awkward teen years where she will be faced with a lot of different situations. How she chooses to respond to those situations should be interesting. I wonder if I have done enough...but I hope I won't be too hard on myself if she stumbles a bit while finding herself along the way. I can only hope that as her mother I will be here to help guide her as best I can and support her in those moments where she wants to throw her hands up and be done.