When Caroline wants you to leave her alone, she will look at you with the sweetest, biggest, bluest eyes and tell you "alone me."
Some days I wish I could tell MYSELF that, and that I would listen. But, I don't. Hardheaded.
I am not even sure what I am going to write, truth be told.
I just know I need to write, because I feel like I will explode if I don't.
Lately every day is a battle that I am tired of fighting.
I find it increasingly harder to leave the house, or put a bra on, or care enough to shower.
I find peace sitting in the bathtub hearing the water run, but, quickly the tub fills and I have to shut the water off and the thoughts overtake me again. I don't like these kinds of thoughts; they scare me.
The peace is fleeting for me. My anxieties take over and my depressed state of mind just pushes out any bit of productivity I might've had. My house is a disaster but I can't find it in me to care much.
We leave soon for a trip to Texas. Instead of being excited about it, I am anxious and worried about things that haven't even happened yet. I fear traveling that far from home, when I can't even manage to go to the grocery store without feeling like I will pass out from fear. I worry that my kids will be difficult, that family relationships will be strained, and that I won't want to get back in the car to come back to Utah.
I want to sleep all day, but when I do get a chance to lie down, my brain won't shut up and I end up tossing and turning in my bed. The only time I can quiet my mind is when I take something with a sedative affect. My body is physically spent, but my mind says "fuck that noise". I don't know how much longer I can continue like this.
I don't take my blood pressure meds.
I don't like looking in the mirror.
I can't remember my name half the time, let alone what kid has a project due or what we need at the grocery store.
I wish I could just not exist.
These are the darkest places in my mind. I share them because I know somewhere there is someone reading this that can relate. Maybe you feel these things currently, or have felt them in the past. Maybe you haven't ever experienced any of these things and you love someone who does.
I tell myself I am not alone, yet most days it feels that way.
I don't know how to get better, and some days I don't even know that I want to. That's the worst part of all this...feeling trapped by my depression and knowing that it CAN get better, but feeling unmotivated to figure out how.
If only I could be normal...or is there such a thing?
I want to be free from the chains that currently bind my hands, making simple daily tasks unbearable. You might as well ask me to hike up a mountain; not happening.
So, this is where I am at here lately. I don't know how to fix myself. I am in between therapists (thanks to insurance tomfoolery) and trying so hard to just get through each hour without losing my cool.
If you see me looking frazzled, this would be why. I don't even try to make excuses anymore. It is what it is. This is my life.
Welcome to the shit show.
My hope is that by my sharing my inner demons, I can help someone not feel alone, because I know how that feels. You aren't alone, and I understand the pain you feel inside. I know that darkness well.
Maybe one day we can be free, you and I. Until then, there is solidarity in sharing.