The last couple years have been uncomfortable, to say the least. My anxiety issues have been expounded by diabetes and autism and having 4 kids while living in a state where one religion dominates. I don't have many friends, but those that I do have mean more to me than gold.
I dislike being away from Texas. I mean, there aren't cockroaches here, and that's swell and all, but, I miss home. I miss being close to family. Holidays suck since we've been here. I've had to learn to do things with my kids on our own, which has been great, but I miss being able to load into the car and head to grandma's house.
I have struggled with worsening depression and anxiety the last few years. I am blessed with some great self awareness though, so, I usually know when things have gotten to a place where professional help should be sought. I'm there now.
It's uncomfortable being overweight when you are surrounded by thin, put together, housewives. I tried losing the weight and my body fought me every step of the way. At this point, it's either focus on losing weight or focus on living life in whatever manner I can. I am going with the second choice.
Last night I stepped waaaay out of my comfort zone and attended a continuing education class at a local university. I was freaking the heck out, to the point that I felt like I might pass out in the parking lot, but I was able to gather my thoughts and emotions and slowly but surely calm myself down. Therapy is helping me to do these things more often without the use of medication, which in this case would have been very unhelpful as I would become drowsy and unable to focus on the class itself if I'd taken my anxiety med. I am learning to rely less and less on it, which has been fantastic, but there are moments where it's still necessary, and so long as I am at home and able to safely take it, I do. The fact that I was able to slow my breathing, stave the tears, and walk into that classroom was a miracle in itself. In addition to all of that, I also had so.much.fun learning from two women, who are actual published authors. It was very cool.
I prefer being at home in my own environment over being in public, but when you throw in the added insecurities I have about my intelligence and what I have to offer the world, well it just gets messy in my brain. To me, I have no degree, so I surely can not be as good of a writer as these women...
I walked away last night feeling like maybe.......just maybe.....I could do it.
I want to write a book.
I don't have a degree in English. I don't have a degree in anything.
What I do have is a love of writing. I have only taken it as far as starting blog (after blog, after blog) but I want to take it a step further and begin the process of writing something fictional...something that can help me escape.
So, that's where I am at right now.
I'm uncomfortable with all of this, but, that's the point isn't it?
Who knows if I'll ever become a published author. Who knows if anyone will ever walk into a bookstore (they have those still, right?) and see my name sitting on the shelf.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I surely don't.
All I know is, it's time to step outside of the box and do something I enjoy. It may make me physically uncomfortable, as it should, because growth can not happen without some sort of trial and error.